Fiddler on the Roof has started. Rehearsals are starting June 4th! I play 5th man. Yeah, it's a chorus role, but I'M A MAN. AGAIN.

To be honest, I'm not too sure how I feel. On one hand, I feel ecstatic to be a male role again. It's a good challenge, and I'm trying to quell my more feminine tendencies. (Apparently, I do this weird hand flip thing when I walk. It made me look like a fairy princess according to Justin. lol) I also enjoy freaking people out when they find out I'm a girl. And I might get to wear my mutton chops again!

On the other hand, I feel kinda sad about it. I'm biologically a female, and the more I play male roles, the more I feel like I'm not good enough...as a woman. I know I'm a strong actor; Fiddler might not be the play for me, though many others were. I had no context of Fiddler, so I had no idea how to read as the characters I portrayed in auditions. It doesn't upset me at what I got; Justin is a chorus member too, so we'll get to be together a lot. But this is the third male I will play (the first was in A Midsummer Night's Dream. I played Bottom. It was an in-class production though), and I'm not too sure on how I should feel about that. How am I being perceived? Did the director think it wouldn't bother me, seeing that I did a great job as Beadle? I can sing incredibly well as a male; almost too well. I was better than some of our male chorus members in Sweeney BUT I'M A GIRL. It'snot something I had to train for; I am naturally good, apparently, at singing in the tenor, even baritone, range. I can also sing alto and second soprano, though it takes some work. WHAT THE HELL??? I'm a living paradox.

Oh well. I won't think too hard on it. The next play I do  I will more than likely have a female role. Unless I get a male role. If so, then I'm just going to call it quits at being a girl, get my sex changed, and be, officially, Lawrence. It seems I was just meant to be a man. I always said so, but now I know it's true.